He is not exactly a big talker.Â
That son of mine.
He is kind, thoughtful, and a man of action.
But not necessarily a talker.
More of the strong, silent type, if you know what  I mean?
And I don’t mind it so much that he doesn’t say a whole lot. I tell him that’s fine by me.
He doesn’t have to be a talker . . . but he does need to be a communicator.Â
Not merely for my sake, but for the sake of his friendships and future relationships. Because even at the age of 12, this young man already knows he hopes to marry and become a family man someday.
And marriage requires communication.
And parenting requires communication.
And friendship requires communication.
So this sweet guy of mine is learning to communicate. We’re practicing now with our eye on the future.
And you know what I’ve found? I’ve discovered that what works the best is if I ask him the questions.
He needs me to start the conversation.Â
 21 Questions Your Son Really Needs You to Ask
- What would you say was the best day of your life so far?
- What was the worst day of your life…and why?
- If you could pick one meal for me to make you, what would it be?
- Â What mountain do you wish you could climb?
- Â What do you admire most about your dad?
- Â What kind of music really moves you?
- Â What is your favorite Scripture verse? And why that one?
- Â What things does your sister do that frustrate (or encourage) you?
- Â And what does your brother do that annoys (helps) you?
- Â What do you think you’d like to do for a job when you get older?
- Â Why did that (movie, song, conversation. etc) disturb you?
- Â What’s the best thing about being a part of our family?
- Â What’s the hardest part about being a middle child (or youngest, oldest, only) in our family?
- Â What sorts of things in this world make you angry? Wish you could fix?
- Â Can you describe what the perfect day would look like to you?
- Â What would you say are your top 3 movies? And what is it about them that you like?
- Â What skill do wish you could be better at? What we can do to help you improve it?
- Â What kinds of things make you want to cry?
- Â What character qualities do you especially appreciate in a friend?
- Â What do you wish I understood better about you?
- Â Do you know how much I love you?
So I ask the questions and then try to listen with all of my heart.
Because when our oldest son left for college and I asked him what was the most loving thing I’ve ever done for him as his mom?
His said it was that I listened.
I don’t want to ever forget that.
So ask your son what’s on his mind. What’s on his heart?
Then listen to what he has to say.
Communicate and build a close relationship.
He needs you, mom.
Sometimes more than he can say.
In His grace,
Download the Free Printable:
21 Questions Your Son Needs You to Ask Him
Also: Â 21 Questions Your Daughter Really Needs You to Ask Her
Lisa
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From my participation in the PAX Program’s by Alison Armstrong., I have learned many ways to communicate with boy’s/men. Many practices to facilitate a safe space for them to talk. One is ask a question and then be quiet ….do not say anything until they speak. It may take awhile and there is a good reason for that.
Thank you for this. My son lives in another state and he’s mad at me and won’t talk to me on the phone so I’ve decided to write him letters. This gave me some insight about what I want or should write.
Just love this. I’ve learnt that closed questions and compliments are not useful to my boys. This is a great find. Previously I had only ever thought of, “That must make you feel proud”.
I was one of those quiet boys. We don’t want to talk, and would find these questions awkward, and just answer, “I don’t know.” I like the idea, though, I just feel that the execution needs more creativity. Have any of you had success with this yet? I’d love to hear from y’all.
my 6 sons & their friends have all responded positively to these & similar questions. i feel they open pathways of truel7 meaningful conversations.
Thank you & Bless You Lisa for creating them!!
This showed up in my Facebook feed so I took a look. I’m a dad of four awesome kids, 3 boys and a girl. The boys are 12, 10, and 4. My daughter is 8. My 12-year-old son was sitting right beside me so I went through the list with him. He gave a general example of his worst day, which wasn’t bad. His meal was lasagna. The rest he said were hard to answer. I share this just so moms will have the boy’s perspective. We guys aren’t like you gals. We don’t think about these things and we care even less about discussing them. In fact, we really try to avoid these discussions, and they can make us uncomfortable. I know that women are more emotional and expressive, thank the Lord. Moms are awesome and have the hardest job in the world! I just don’t want moms reading this to be upset when their boys don’t want to talk about these things or don’t give them the answers they are looking for. Boys just aren’t wired this way. We all love and appreciate our moms, but rarely will we be able to express that the way you want us to. I let my 12-year-old son read this and he completely agreed :). Thanks for caring moms! P.S. I think moms put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect.
i think the best habit i’ve done is asking every day, “how was your day?” this just makes it easy to talk about random stuff and then a lot of times the random stuff leads to the bigger stuff.
I agree. Keep the communication lines open without being pushy, and be interested. They will talk when they are ready.
I think reading the list through would be difficult for most people/kids. I don’t think it’s meant to be done all at once. Try one or two at a time over a period of time. I’m a youth minister and have worked with teens for over ten years now. Even the quiet ones will talk and answer deep questions, but the delivery and allowing time for them to think is important. Practicing activities like this from a young age and continuing will help later in the teen and young adult years. And kudos to you sitting down and talking to your son even both of you found the questions/discussion uncomfortable! Good job dad.
I have a 13 year old son and he’s a great talker…if you can start him out. This list is beautiful, wonderful and helpful. Thank you!
Hi Lisa. As ever, you encourage me everyday. I always look forward to checking through my mail to see what you have for me for the day. God bless you.
Thank you Diana! I’m so glad to hear you’re encouraged here!
Hi Lisa,
I work at a church in children’s ministry. If we wanted to include this in our parent’s newsletter, do you mind us quoting you and posting this in the newsletter? Please respond here and my email (as i am not sure if this will notify me if you write me back on here}. Thank you so much. autumn.shuping@yahoo.com; autumn@matthewsumc,org
Thank you, Autumn! I went ahead and wrote you directly so you should have an email from me now. Blessings on the ministry there!
Thank you for posting this!! 🙂
What a great list for me to keep in mind for my little boy someday. I especially love #7-it says so much about a person. Grace’s favorite verse is Philippians 2:3,4. She has it memorized, has she told me it’s her favorite because in hand with Jesus’s 2nd commandment, love your neighbor as yourself. Eden’s is Josh 3:16 🙂 She said it just feels right to her because she loves Jesus. It will be so interesting to see what Christian’s will be. I know Josh’s favorite verse is Philippians 4:6,7 and mine is Joshua 24:15-it’s a perfect reminder and encourager as a wife and mother. 🙂
You got me thinking…it’s been a while since I asked our oldest son (age 20 and away at college) about his favorite verse. I’m wondering if it’s changed since he was little? I’ll have to ask him at our next Skype session!
I like all your verses too!
Oh you should! It’s so interesting to find out why it’s their verse.