Stay Awake to the Holy Spirit Even in Panic and Pain
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7, NIV
I always say that my daughter, Glory, woke me up to life.
She had just turned four years old when she had her first seizure, a seizure that should have left her unable to walk or talk. The seizure came out of nowhere—no prior family history, no signs other than some grumpy toddler behavior—and it lasted hours, despite the copious amounts of antiseizure medication she received in the hospital.
What Happened?
The story of what happened that morning isn’t funny, but our family sometimes tells it in a funny way, at least the part about what I did when fight-or-flight failed me and all I could do was freeze. I stood holding her, shrieking and screaming, while my husband called an ambulance and packed up our boys, instinctively knowing they’d need to stay with family that night. I just stood there, shrieking.
Later, in the ER, I realized I was still in my pajamas, and I sat holding her feet, watching them twitch, not knowing what to do or how to help. It was like being in a nightmare where I couldn’t scream, except in this situation, I couldn’t pray, talk, or even cry. I just sat there, frozen.
My mom arrived at the hospital soon after we did—probably too soon, given that she lived two hours away at the time. She brought me a toothbrush, and as I was brushing, she gently peppered me with questions about what kind of medicine they’d tried, what the plan was, and what she could do to help.
I mumbled something, still barely coherent, as my mom laid her strong hand on my ice-cold arm, interrupting my brushing.
“Jess. You’re going to have to fight.”
Waking Up
Internally, something shifted in me that day. I woke up from what felt like a decade-long fog, where I had been doing nothing but reacting, responding, and following the lead of whoever was the loudest in front of me.
In retelling the story, I guess I should credit my daughter Glory and my mom for helping me wake up that day. I know they would both tell me to also give honor to the real slumber assailant, the Holy Spirit, who raised Jesus Christ from the dead.
What If This Isn’t Just the Way It Is?
My tendency when things get hard is just to receive them. And I’m not talking about shock. I’m talking about resignation.
I am not a catastrophizer.
One day, a friend introduced me to three questions that I now allow God to ask of me in the middle of hard seasons, painful moments, and stretches of prolonged fatigue:
How do you want this to go?
How do you want to have shown up and handled it when it’s over?
What story do you want to tell when this is finished?
At the time, my friend was referencing a difficult period of stress and busyness, but her question woke me up in the same way that my mom’s words had that day in the hospital.
What if you didn’t just resign yourself to the story being sad and the road being long? What if you didn’t just accept that “this is just the way it is”?
How Do YOU Want This to Go?
In 2 Timothy, Paul writes at the end of his life, with such assurance, read to me like this (in my very unholy paraphrase): I stayed awake. I didn’t become the victim of suffering. I became the victor. I fought for God’s glory. I fought with the end in mind, and it worked. I knew how I wanted this to go, and I’m grateful to report—it has been good.
It’s time to start asking:
How do we want this to go?
How do we want to have shown up and handled it when it’s over?
What story do we want to tell when this is finished?
What comes next?
In His Word
Read 2 Timothy 4. Take special note of Paul’s words here. Pray them over yourself today.
In Your Life
1. Are there any ways that you are resigned to pain when you could be fighting for healing?
2. Do you feel too tired to fight? If so, that’s okay. Talk to God about it.
We Recommend
We recommend the book What Comes Next: 40 Days of Healing After Heartbreak, Burnout or Brokenness by Jess Connolly. In the hardest seasons of our lives, we often get stuck on the question “Why me?” It’s difficult not to feel defeated when we’re overwhelmed by life and plagued by feelings of weakness and failure. But what if we changed the question? What if we stopped asking “Why me?” and started asking “What’s next?”
Let’s Connect
Jess Connolly is the author of several books, including Tired of Being Tired. She and her husband, Nick, planted Bright City Church in Charleston, South Carolina, where they live with their four children. As the lead coach and founder of Go + Tell Gals and the host of The Jess Connolly Podcast, Jess wants to leave her generation more in awe of God than she found it. She’s passionate about her family, women, God’s Word, and the local church. Find her on Instagram @JessAConnolly or on her website, JessConnolly.com.