“God is not man, that he should lie,
or a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Has he said, and will he not do it?
Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?”
Numbers 23:19 (ESV)
There were so many emotions going through my mind and heart that day. I couldn’t seem to focus on just one. It had been only a few days since my first miscarriage and I felt awful in every way possible. I’d spent those first few days dealing with a lot of physical pain after losing my precious baby. I’d gone numb to the emotions but on this afternoon I was feeling everything at once.
Eventually, my heart settled on one emotion: anger. I had tried to read my Bible and listen to some worship music but that just made me angrier. So I gave in to the anger. I yelled and screamed at God. I sobbed until I couldn’t catch my breath. Spent and exhausted I put words to my pain and anger.
God is a Man of His Word
I hurled that accusation towards the heavens that day and meant it. And God in His ever-present grace and mercy met me right there and loved me anyway.
Hard times often cause us to question God’s goodness. We struggle to reconcile the pain that we feel with a loving Heavenly Father. It often seems impossible that suffering and love can go together.
That was the truth I struggled with that day. I struggled again with the next miscarriage. In fact, it is something that I’ve been struggling with for the last 13 years.
Through my hurt, I began to think about all the promises that I felt like God hadn’t answered. There was still hurt and pain.
I miscarried again a few months later. Financial struggles continued. My children were still hurting from my past mistakes. The list went on.
And for every single thought, God countered with examples of His continued faithfulness. His divine provision and protection. And ultimately His ever-present comfort.
In the end, I was still a weeping mess on the floor. But it was out of worship for a God who always keeps His promises.
In His Word
“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.”
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
In Your Life
Have you ever walked through a season of doubt? Did you feel like God wasn’t keeping His end of the deal? What verses come to mind about God’s faithfulness? How can you renew your mind with those verses instead of allowing doubts in?