When Life Shatters – How to Heal After Intimate Betrayal

Half-eaten chicken nuggets were scattered across the floor of my minivan, and the faint whiff of a diaper lost under a seat somewhere permeated the air. I didn’t notice any of it that day. I stared absently past the dust on the dashboard.

I looked down at my journal. It read: There’s a very real chance that my marriage will end in divorce.

You see, two months prior and almost ten years into what I thought was the perfect marriage, I found out that my husband had betrayed me. It shattered me.

Everything I thought I knew about him and our relationship suddenly felt like a lie. I didn’t even recognize myself. I was confused, sad, and so angry. It felt like I was free-falling through a black hole, and I didn’t even know if it was possible to get to the other side. Or if this—in all my pain and anger—was who I had become.

In the following months and years, I leaned into healing and processing the pain. I joined a support group. My husband and I went to counseling. I honored my anger and put it into words. I set boundaries and took the space I needed. I did not rush into forgiveness, but I eventually opened my heart to forgive and to free myself. It was a long, messy journey, but I made it. We made it as well.

That was over ten years ago. There is still dust on my dashboard and half-eaten chicken nuggets scattered across the floor of my minivan, but life looks very different today.

When I look at my life now, I don’t see the broken pieces anymore; I see a beautiful mosaic—a unique, colorful, bold, playful, and powerful new creation that I designed. I will never be thankful for betrayal, but I am proud of who I have become.

You can heal, too. You can pick up your shattered pieces and create your own unique, beautiful mosaic—whether your relationship makes it or not. It is possible. There is a good life ahead for you.

The Betrayal Healing Phases

There are four phases of healing after betrayal. I call them the Betrayal Healing Phases. I developed them based on my clinical and personal experience to help betrayed women through this process. The phases follow the relationship path after life shatters and provide practical help and guidance along the way. Think of them as guideposts, helping you to know that you are headed in the right direction.

Phase One: Reveal—Uncovering the truth about what your partner has done.

Phase Two: Rumble—Processing the heartbreak, stepping into your power, and waiting to see if your partner will do the work to heal.

Phase Three: Realign—Adjusting to the reality of the direction your relationship is headed.

Phase Four: Rebuild—Focusing on your healing and your relationship with yourself.

Focusing on the wrong thing at the wrong time can shut down your healing process.

It doesn’t matter whether you found out about your partner’s betrayal yesterday or you are decades in, whether you are somewhere in the messy middle and not sure how it’s going to end, whether you are divorced, or whether there’s been a tremendous amount of healing in your relationship but you still feel like you’ve lost parts of yourself in the process. No matter where you are, you will find yourself in the four phases. Don’t try to step into another phase if you aren’t there yet.

This is the time to focus unapologetically on you and your healing journey. Not your partner’s or your relationship. I want to encourage you that no matter where you are now, as you lean into healing, you can become a stronger, deeper, fuller version of yourself—a woman who lives with the unshakable knowledge of her worth.

Reflection:

f you’ve been betrayed, which of the four phases are you in right now? Take a step back from the broken pieces of your relationship and make a choice that’s just for you and your healing – join a support group, attend a therapy session, share your story with a pastor, or ask for prayer from trusted friends. 

If you’ve enjoyed this post, check out the book Broken to Brave by Tammy Gustafson. We love how this book offers the guidance, encouragement, and empowerment you need to pick up the pieces of your life and create a brave, beautiful future–whether the relationship makes it or not.

Tammy Gustafson, MA, LPC, is a trauma-informed licensed professional counselor, coach, and speaker with over 15 years of experience. She holds a master’s degree in counseling and is the founder and CEO of Betrayal Healing and LiveFree Counseling. Tammy hosts the annual Betrayal Healing Conference, which provides compassionate, expert guidance to thousands of betrayed partners worldwide.