No one ever thought it would happen.
Least of all her.
She was a pastor’s wife and a homeschooling mom. A lovely lady with four beautiful children.
And now it’s completely fallen apart.
Heartbreak, divorce, and she’s left them all.
Not that everything was perfect because it wasn’t.
But what actually happened? Something went wrong somewhere.
Left her family behind – bewildered and searching for answers.
What would have made a difference? And what would have helped? These are the some of the questions we’ve all agonized over.
The answer isn’t simple and I don’t pretend it to be. But there is one thing that I’m certain would have helped. Might have even changed the course of this family’s history.
And that one thing is pressed upon my heart today.
A close friend.
I believe a good friend could have helped tremendously in that situation. Possibly turned it around.
Because when you’re left alone with your own thoughts and your own struggles? Your own pain and your own sin and weakness? As well as the the pain and sin of those around you?
It’s easy to get confused and off-track. To spiral downward. To listen to those negative, destructive voices.
And this is right where the Enemy wants you to be.
Which is why Christ urges us – commands us, really – that we are to love one another. Deeply. Fervently.
This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. ~ John 15:12-13
We are made to walk closely with one another.
Not alone.
Yet so many of you have written me telling me how lonely you are and how your heart aches for someone to understand and care about you.
And I get it. I really do.
It is increasingly difficult to find friends in this busy, fragmented world we live in. Friendship is risky and it’s rare. And yet I believe it’s essential for us as believers to be walking closely with others.
We need each other, sisters.
How Do You Closely Connect with True Friends?
Pray for friends. I’ve found over the years that I’ve had to pray for friends. Ask God to bring women in your life who will love you. Support and challenge you. As iron sharpens iron (Prov. 27:17).
Reach out. Don’t wait for someone else to make the first move. Swallow your fears and your insecurities and take a chance. Some of my closest friendships came out of my shy and hesitant, “Hi, I’m Lisa and I was wondering…..?”
Get creative. Don’t limit yourself to your small circles, but be willing to seek out friends from various places and stages in life. Some of my friends are local and some live all over the world. Some are older and others are younger than me. Each has something unique to offer in friendship.
Share openly. Be real with a few trusted friends – using discretion – and be willing to be honest and vulnerable. Feels risky, I know, but it’s a risk worth taking. God doesn’t want us to live in the shadows, but to walk out into the light.
Speak truth. I am grateful for friends who are willing to speak truth into my life. Sometimes we can be so hesitant about “hurting” a friend – that we hurt them worse by not being willing to be honest with them. So let’s lovingly, graciously, speak truth to each other too.
Communicate love. True friendship takes both time and effort. Show your friends by your words and by your actions that you love and care for them. Yes, pour into your family, but invest in good friendships too—friendships that will encourage you in your spiritual walk and ministry.
Friends, we were never meant to walk alone. And it’s not enough to give a quick hug between church services, or wave to one another from across the parking lot. We were meant for so much more.
God intended for us to be closely connected.
Love you, Sisters!
*What do you think is essential for deep friendships? How have you been able to find friends in this swirling world we live in?
In His grace,
Lisa
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I agree with you that friends are very important to share our life with. Sometimes I so desperately want to tell my husband everything that I overwhelm him with my feelings and thoughts and it’s too much for him to handle.
I have less than a handful of women that I can chat on the phone with. Only one friend that I can meet up with Once in a very blue moon. It’s mostly because I’m a mom with three kids and homeschooling, and in this stage of life a lot of energy goes into training up the kids and giving them a future.
Most of my conversations are over the phone, one of my friends is my mother, I had to befriend her because it was so hard for me and they didn’t have anyone to share it with. We weren’t closed before that but she gave me some tough advice and prayed for me.
Another one of my closest friends is my sister. We are both homeschooling in two different cities, miles apart but we handled the same issues day today. Instead of overwhelming our husbands we now try to chat once a week and get relief from the stress we’re going through. The support we share helps us both to deal with our burdens. It just is so helpful to be able to speak what’s frustrating and what’s not working and hear that another person is going through the same thing and not feel alone even if the problems aren’t solved.
I have one dear friend that I made through a preschool group years ago and we kept in touch since. Our kids said next to each other and became friends, it led to a slow warming up to each other through play dates and then realizing that we are encouraging each other in the Lord and becoming friends.
So having the same issue of making new friends, I revert back to my faithful when’s, my mom, my sister and my friend. It’s not much, and sometimes they are busy and can’t always pick up the phone but I treasure the moments that I do talk to them and think over our conversation Long after.
I realized that having strong and solid friendships is more important than having lots of people you know. And this is coming from a girl who was super popular in college and had tons of groups and friends to be along to. I hope this encourages you. Just try reaching out to family, you already have a bond with them from the past and see if you can even make one friend.
Lilliamom and Nylse:
I do understand each, your deep desire for substance from another person, a friend, because we were created to be in relationships. Many an ethic person i’ve met, yet my heritage and Cuban culture, just doesn’t seem to matter, a lead-in or no chance of something getting lost in translation. lol It’s all about love one another, as I have loved you! Yet, most just do not want to go past smiles and hellos.
Someone mentioned churches are always busy. Each person’s identity is found in Christ, not in busy. Here is where the rubber met the road for me. Let me back-up and say that I am in a deep place of gratitude, for the small handful of women God has placed in my life. As sisters in Christ, may we have our Holy Spirit intuition on at all times, because for me, it was in the body of believers, where I learned many lessons of friendship for benefit. All is forgiven and water under the bridge, yet many tears I shed, because I truly believed, I was in the right place, at the right time. It’s been at least 6 years, since all the tears and asking why. For me, it was a God affirming time, in the valley, as I learned, I am enough, I am a daugther of The King, and as much as I wanted friendship, bonds, and community, with those, who weren’t loving me, as He loved(s) all of us, it is well with my soul.
I’ve made my comment long enough, yet I encourage all of us to be for Him, exactly where we are even if you are so down, I’ve been sooo down, yet I realized each of us, who claims Christ, as their risen Savior has a gift to share.
Be yourself, talk to individuals, anywhere, but make sure you’ve at least got your Tazer! lol In other words, take yourself out of what pains you and try new environments, doesn’t always have to be church related. Let the Holy Spirit lead you. It might take more time, exhausted, as you already might be, but time, prayer, being friendly, focused on Him, is a start to what He has in mind for all of us.
I love this. I am blessed with Christian friends that mean so much to me. I have been very hurt by a close friend recently, and it has clouded my thinking and trust. I do not think she is even aware of how Im feeling, and I have been praying daily about whether or not to share it with her. I dont want to make the situation worse or ruin our friendship, but Im sad and hurting deeply. I continue to wait for the Lord to guide me in how to handle it or to just lay it at His feet and let it go.
Is that all I had to do? Make friends…sure let me go do that…wait I’m not pretty and born into the right family. Ah that joys of church.
Oh, it sounds like you’ve had a terrible experience and I’m so sorry about that. It’s NOT the way it’s supposed to be anywhere—let alone church. I’d be glad to be your friend, even if it’s only online. Here’s my email, if you’d like to keep in touch. Lisa @ Club31Women (dot) com. (I just have it spaced out like that to keep it from spammers). I hope you’ll write. ~ Lisa
How does someone make friends? I do not have any. I have my husband and my daughter, that is it. Every time I think I’ve made a friend they turn out to be the opposite. I quit even trying. I’ve been through a lot this year and really could use a friend, but I just have up even trying. When they say they are your friend, but never have time for you or completely ignore you it’s hard to believe them when they apologize for doing this things. Especially when the next day they go right back to the behavior. I’m all alone and severely depressed recently so this this lack of friendship is compounded.
lilliamom,
I could have spoken these exact words just a few short years ago. It’s so hard to make *lasting* friendships with people who actually want to be there for you and not just touch base with you when they need something. I’ve seen this get worse for me now that I am no longer on Facebook, it’s like I’m the weird outcast and people I thought were real friends never speak to me.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I know you don’t know me but I’m a good listener. My e-mail is ohhh(dot)nc(at)gmail(dot)com
Just be sure to replace the ()s with what they say, dots and @signs 🙂
What a sweet offering of friendship, Christi! I’m so sorry about your own difficult situation and pray God blesses you richly with friends in the most unexpected places.
It seems really hard when you’re an empty nester to find real true friends. Even family seems to leave you alone when they are all married and caring for their families. Very painful!! Very lonely!
This is a wonderful post, thank you, and was something that I really needed to hear today. I have married a wonderful man, who I met on holiday in January, and moved from the UK to the Pacific Northwest. While I have never been more happy in my life, it is also cripplingly lonely and I haven’t made any friends yet, despite my best efforts. I will continue to pray, and hope the situation turns, it is difficult being without my sisters in Christ, and my family. x
You’ve moved a long way, Ellie! And welcome to “my neck of the woods”.:) I hope you soon find new and lifelong friends here. Don’t give up! There are a lot of nice people in Pacific Northwest — at least I think so! Blessings and welcome, Lisa
“A sorrow shared is divided, a joy multiplied.”
Thank you, Mia! Good words for us all.
I know what this woman must have felt because I am there. Ready to walk away but not sure why. I remember thinking recently that both my husband and I needed Christian friends to connect with. Church seems so fast, everyone is busy, no time to connect. But connections are what our souls desire. I wonder how many women are sitting in church feeling the same way?
Oh, I’m so sorry, Kristi. We were never meant to walk alone and we all need the love, support, and perspective that a good and godly friend offers. I know it’s not quite the same, but I hope that the words and women here will be an encouragement to you. I’m also praying that you find a friend nearby and soon. With you, ~ Lisa
Wow….this is my family’s story except my dad isn’t a pastor. My mom is a Christian woman raised 4 kids. Homeschooled us for the most part. Amazing mom…loves God knows his Word in and out. But 12 years ago..was in a dark place and chose to pursue a very weird relationship and left us all. There were so many lies..so much hurt..no trust and really no relationship for many years. But God answers prayers…even when I absolutely had zero trust that he could…well he did and even though it’s taken many years our family has had a lot of restoration and healing…please tell your friends I will be praying for them.
Thank you so, so much for offering this encouragement and prayer, Jamie. I did share your words with this family and they were touched that you would care for them in sucg a way. Blessings and healing, my friend. ~ Lisa
this is so true <3 and SUCH a good post 🙂 Thanks Mrs Lisa ((hugs)) three of my closest friends are one of my sisters, a mother with teens at our church, and our pastor's wife. I know I can trust these women with my struggles and they won't judge me, but PRAY for me and ENCOURAGE me and, yes, sometimes "sharpen me" (and wow, can my sister –16– do that! OUCH!) But these wouldn't be the "typical" best friends for someone my age per se. they're not necessarily my 'peers', but they're GREAT gifts of God to me <3
This article was also timely because I JUST LAST NIGHT had the opportunity to spend time with my OLDEST childhood friend ever and just talk and share our goofiness and hard spots <3
Any way. good stuff 🙂
What a lovely group of friends you’re surrounded with, Katie! And I’m certain you bless them as much as they bless you. Thank you for your encouraging testimony and words!
having moved from one coast to the next i have tried all of these with minimal results. i have reached out and been rebuffed; i have gone to bible study groups, etc…maybe its me but alot of these things aren’t offering what i need. i simply crave a deep connection with a female friend who gets me – i dont want to keep explaining myself or feeling like i dont belong or feeling weird. perhaps i also want some commonality around race and ethnicity and thats so hard to find when there’s not many of you. but i have not and will not give up as God knows my needs. i will continue to pray and be friendly.
I’m so glad to hear you’re not giving up, Nylse, and that you’re still willing to be friendly. I sure had my “desert years” where I felt very much alone, but God answered my prayers after a time. So keep praying!
I understand the crave for deep connection. I’ve moved a lot in my life and it always seemed easy to make friends but now as an adult it is very difficult. It felt like I was reading something that I wrote while reading your post. Know you are not alone! Sometimes the absence of friends is God’s way of showing you He wants you as a friend. That helps me get through when I’m feeling alone. Praying for you Nylse! We will get through this and when we have that friendship we crave will we be so thankful!
I just recently got married and moved across the country to the Kansas City area. I have been praying and praying for the Lord to bring a friend into my life. Any suggestions on “how to find a friend” in a city where you know no one? Thanks for the inspiring post.
It’s so tough to move to a new area! We moved from the Pacific Northwest to Nashville in our early years of marriage and I was so lonely. I joined a women’s Bible study at a nearby church and met some wonderful friends there. It was difficult to take the initiative as I’m a little shy, but I’m glad that I did. I also joined a “mommy’s group” and then we threw a small party for my husband’s colleagues and it gave me a chance to meet their wives. Those are some ideas? Blessings on your new move, Deanna!
Bless you Lisa for your post. Friendship is so difficult to find in these days. I am glad to know as women walking with the Lord, we know what our calling is as a friend, and a sister. Love is patient, love is kind 1 Corinthians 13:4. Love never fails. May we continue to heed to calling to a sister with a broken heart, so they can feel and see the love of God, and everything else will fall into place 🙂
Good words, Stephany! We often don’t even realize what a sister near us is going through and I hope to be more sensitive/aware of those broken hearts that are right next to me.
Thank you Lisa for this post…I struggle to make time for friends sometimes. I really needed to hear this post!
I know what you mean, Janelle. I’ve recently cut some things out of my schedule for this very reason, so that I have more time and availability for friendships.
I am sad for this woman…really sad. I wish I could hug her and help her. Makes me want to be more intentional in my friendships. I am a strong believer in the value of a few very close friends instead of a large group of fun aquanitances. I have been through some major marital problems in the last few years. Without my sisters in Christ, my sounding boards that speak wise counsel, I am not sure my husband and I would have healed and restored our marriage to the point that it is. Though we wouldn’t have given up, we wouldn’t be as far in our healing as we are. Never, EVER underestimate the love of your sisters. Great reminder this morning. Thank you, Lisa.
Oh, yes, I too have been blessed by the encouragement, the wise counsel, and support of my sisters in Christ. I’m so thankful to hear that you have experienced this as well and they’ve been a help in your healing. <3 Lisa