How to Sit with Someone Who Is Suffering
Broken by Bad News
Lois held her breath. Her right hand covered her mouth in shock, pulling her blue mask down off her nose. The young doctor shifted uncomfortably in his chair before speaking again.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Meinhardt, to have to give you this bad news. We will need to do surgery to remove the tumor. This will mean you’ll lose that kidney, but you should do just fine with one. We’ll probably be able to get you onto my OR schedule in about three weeks.”
Dr. Lee kept talking, his words muffled through his mask, but Lois heard none of what was said. She was alone, entirely alone.
In the weeks that followed, Lois reached out to a pastor she had recently connected with. This is when we, Michael and Tracy, began a journey with Lois. Along with many others from our church community, we would walk with Lois through serious illness, all the way home.
That journey taught us something about what it actually means to show up for someone in crisis, not with answers or fixes, but with presence. Drawing on both medical and pastoral experience, we’ve come to think of that presence as a journey with its own movements, ones that can guide anyone entering a person’s hardest moments.
How to Show Up for Someone in Crisis
At the Threshold
Before entering, pause for a moment and take a slow breath. Offer a short prayer: Lord, let me see Christ in this person; let me offer you to this person. Ask the Holy Spirit to calm your heart and help you let go of the day’s distractions.
At the Bedside
Greet the person warmly and by name. Introduce yourself if needed. Notice how they are doing and respond with simple kindness. Sit at or below eye level as a posture of humility. Sometimes a quiet presence says enough.
In the Quiet Spaces
Listen with your whole self. Empathic listening means paying attention not only to their words but also to the feelings and fears beneath. Let the person speak at their own pace. Naming and validating emotions often brings relief to the sick and the sense that they are understood.
At the Point of Connection
After listening, respond with compassion by briefly acknowledging what you’ve heard. If it feels appropriate, offer prayer, kept simple, never used to preach. When it’s time to leave, a simple word of thanks is enough: “It has been good to visit with you. May God’s peace be with you.”
Guarding Trust
Confidentiality is essential. If something shared may need to be passed along to a pastor or others, ask permission first. If permission isn’t given, the information stays private. Trust is easily broken and hard to rebuild.
Empathic listening is simple in principle, yet it calls for humility and steady practice. Over time, it becomes easier to ask thoughtful questions and to sit quietly without feeling the need to fill the silence. It requires letting go of the urge to fix, explain, or advise, and instead offering a calm and loving presence.
Reflection
Think of someone in your life right now who is walking through something hard. Where have you felt the urge to fix or advise instead of simply sitting with them in it? Consider reaching out to that person this week with no agenda other than to listen.
If you have enjoyed this blog post, check out the book Walking Lois Home by Michael and Tracy Balboni. We love how they show you how to answer that call to care for those who are sick with faith, grace, and love.
Tracy Balboni, MD, and Michael Balboni, PhD, a dynamic husband-and-wife team, serve as researchers, professional caregivers, and codirectors of the Harvard Initiative on Health, Spirituality, and Religion. Tracy is a professor at Harvard Medical School, an internationally known researcher in palliative care, and director of the Harvard Radiation Oncology residency program. Michael is a theologian and scholar on spirituality and medicine at Harvard and serves as a pastor at Restoration Fellowship in Boston, Massachusetts. Learn more at https://www.walkingloishome.com/.
