Being There for the Singles in the Church – And for Yourself as a Single

Being single in the church can feel isolating. Discover encouragement, empathy, and hope for singles learning to walk with Christ in every season.

It is a delicate dance, being single into your thirties and beyond. People stop telling you that you have plenty of time. They stop telling you “You’re next” at a wedding. They stop asking about dating with excited tones and instead ask with a thin layer of pity. 

It’s one thing to turn to Jesus because of abundance and love and warm fuzzy feelings, but it is another thing to turn to Him when you know He’s your only and last hope. There is a feeling of fear that enters the room because I worry that He might not be enough, and then we’ve used our last bandage only to bleed through it. 

We worry that Jesus isn’t coming back for us—we’re afraid that we might be met by His desire to stay away from our wounds, not get closer to them. 

I am often surprised to find that the Jesus I make up in moments of panic is not the Jesus I encounter. The Jesus I encounter sits gently beside me and looks at my wound and says, “I’ve seen this before and it’s going to be okay.” 

Commiseration

Because commiseration is the ability to sit down and have empathy. And empathy is looking someone in the eye and saying, “Oh, friend. I have been there, and I am so sorry.” 

Our hearts are complex landscapes of genuine happiness for others who find romantic love mixed with a fear that maybe all we’ll ever be is happy for someone else. We hold celebration in our hands as everyone floods the dance floor, but during a water break, when the summer breeze calls us to step away from the chaos, there’s that moment, right? The one where we stand on the outskirts of the party and feel, even if just for a moment, that we’re alone. 

So let me say this: Oh, friend. I have been there, and I am so sorry. 

I’m sorry that this isn’t what you thought would be your story. I’m sorry for the comments and the assumptions and the implications made that have left you feeling a sense of lament. 

Because that’s the word for what we’re carrying. 

Lament.

The Grief AND the Joy

How do we hold space for the grief of singleness while still making room for meaning and hope and joy and even celebration? 

I think it starts by slowing down enough to know what we’re feeling. To give our feelings names like anger and sadness and anxiety and disappointment. If we don’t use language for our current state, it will be nearly impossible to find a way toward being anchored again. We have to call this what it is before we can call out to others. 

Because here’s the thing: One of the only ways we get out of the pit is by calling out to others. 

I have friends—some married, some not—who I reach out to for different reasons, but I have found that having a handful of people you can truly commiserate with is a game changer. I have friends who I can call and say, “Hey, can I just tell you something that’s hard?” and they’ll listen and not try to fix things. We carefully skirt the line between processing and venting and ask Jesus for wisdom in how to approach our pain points.

Who to Look For

Find a friend who pursues Jesus as the ultimate Comforter and sits with you in the dark and allows you to feel the weight of these complex emotions without trying to make them just go away. 

To commiserate is sometimes to just bear witness to someone’s story. And to do that in a healthy way, we need to make sure our hearts are being aligned toward Christ. We aren’t just out here allowing the bitterness of a moment to ruin every meal. No, we’re fighting to sit with one another and then carry one another toward something good and healing and whole-making. 

Reflection: 

If you are single, can you relate to my journey? Have you found a community to walk alongside? If you are not single, what are you doing to come alongside the singles in your church and community and offer them companionship?

If you liked this post, check out Get Over Here by Melissa Zaldivar.Through her relatable storytelling, deep theological insight, and practical wisdom, Melissa Zaldivar offers a refreshing take on being single in the church. She shows single people how to intentionally build authentic, life-giving relationships that put our mutual faith in Christ at the center rather than the cultural trappings of dating, marriage, parenthood, and other false distinctions. 

Melissa Zaldivar is the author of Kingdom Come and What Cannot Be Lost and the host of the Cheer Her On podcast. She holds a master’s degree in theology from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and lives in New England. You can usually find her looking for a good sandwich or making connections between pop culture and Christian faith.