When shame threatens to sneak in and rob you, combat it with God’s truth. Remember what He says is true about you.
My long-time friend walked up next to me at Costco and said, “Hi, Grandma.”
“Hi,” I said.
She slid her arm around me and asked, “Are you so excited that you’re going to be a grandma?”
I was quiet for a second, searching for words, and then burst into tears. She looked surprised and then I looked surprised because I had gone to Costco for eggs and hummus, not to start bawling to a friend next to the lightbulb aisle.
“What is it?” she asked.
The Lie of Failure
So I told her. I was afraid to be a grandma. Quite worried about it actually. For years, maybe since my daughter had gotten married, I’d been imagining myself someday as a grandma, and I knew I would be horrible at it. It was my personality -bold and take charge. Who could love this kind of a grandma? For years I had imagined myself hurting my grandkid’s feelings and offending my daughter and my son-in-law.
It was quite a long fantasy of failure I had been writing for myself.
All of that pent-up shame spilled out over my friend and dripped down onto the concrete floor of Costco.
She had known me forever, since my kids were little. Getting right up close to my face, she started talking to me about what a wonderful mom I had been and a good teacher and how many people I helped with my writing. “Why wouldn’t you also be a wonderful grandmother?” she asked.
Why wouldn’t I be a wonderful grandmother?
The Lie of Shame
Because I have an enemy, the Devil, and he had been impressing feelings of unworthiness on my emotions and whispering quiet lies in my ears that I had absorbed as truth. Lies of approaching deficiency. While my daughter became a mother-to-be, my enemy was fabricating stories of my failure-to-be, giving me a deep gut feeling that I could never be good enough to be loved by this new little person coming into our lives. I could never be good at this new role.
The questions had been coming for weeks, “Are you so excited? Are you so excited? Are you so excited?” No, I hadn’t been excited because my enemy had me under his foot emotionally.
In this same season, I have been reading a book called The Soul of Shame, by Curt Thompson, M.D. I believe the Lord put this book in my life right now, to reveal to me the tactics of the evil one who has been stealing my hope and joy in becoming a grandma.
So I’m becoming aware of shame and am learning to carve out new thoughts in my brain.
A Blameless, Holy Life
There is a new generation coming, for me to love and with whom I can share Jesus. This I know how to do. Me, with my personality. I’m going to be the grandma who passes the stories of God’s greatness down to this new little one. That is the truth.
Several years ago, I wrote a book about coming out of shame and becoming the blameless, holy person Jesus has always intended. Now I have a sequel chapter for my book that maybe should be called “Able to be Grandma.” Once again, God is bringing me toward the blameless, holy life he has always intended for me. Abundant life -enough abundance to share with a baby.
Where is shame crippling you? What voice have you been listening to you that says you are going to fail and will be rejected? Maybe your goal for this new year can be to pay attention to how Satan is using shame to take your legs out from underneath you.
A year of paying attention.
Then come to Jesus. Come to Jesus and let him still the lies, make you feel safe, and fill you with hope.
Blessings from Montana,
Christy Fitzwater is a writer and pastor’s wife living in Kalispell, Montana. She has a daughter who is married and a son in college. Christy writes to help people know God, and you can find her new book about becoming blameless on Amazon. Or follow her devotional blog at ChristyFitzwater. You can follow Christy on Instagram here!