How You Can Build A Strong Friendship in Your Marriage

Have you considered the possibility of having a strong friendship in your marriage? It starts with the little things you choose each day.

I wish I could take the credit and say it was intentional. That we knew full well what we’d be building when we started our lovely morning tradition.

But in all honesty, it was probably as much due to a love for coffee as it was a love for each other—at least in the beginning.

Even before our wedding day, on most mornings Matt and I would meet over at Java Bay Café across the street from his apartment to enjoy a strong cup of Pacific Northwest coffee. There we’d talk about our dreams, ideas, fears, concerns, wedding plans, and just about everything else on the planet.

So it seemed only natural to continue on with the practice once we were married.

And this is why every morning for over thirty years now, Matt and I have started the day by sharing a cup of coffee together. It’s always the same: a pot of French press, fresh-ground medium-roast coffee beans, raw sugar crystals (for me), and cream (also for me), all carried in on a serving tray. It’s our slow and sweet Jacobson tradition.

But it’s what follows the pour that’s my favorite part.

Setting Aside Sacred Time for Friendship

We spend the next thirty minutes to an hour talking together—discussing everything from the creative ways we could remodel the kitchen to current events in the news to quotes from an interesting book or funny movie. And yes, we sooner or later talk over the plans for the day and who is going where or doing what, but we try to keep that to a minimum.

Here is what we don’t do during our morning coffee: We don’t use this time to solve problems, work out differences, discuss finances, or troubleshoot. That is what business partners do and, although we do run a business together, this sacred time is primarily reserved for friendship and friendly topics.

Maybe we didn’t start this tradition with a purpose in mind, but over time it’s become one of those secret ingredients for our loving marriage and friendship. And here’s why: If you haven’t noticed or experienced it yourself, it’s far too easy for a married couple—no matter how in love they are on their wedding day—to find themselves operating more and more like coworkers, coparents, or cohabitants over the years. Possibly all three.

And yet while it might be a normal slide and in some ways a necessary one, who gets married with the hope of becoming functional teammates? Personally, I was looking for something more. I was looking for a lover and a friend, and I’m almost certain you were too.

Which brings us right back to coffee. Not that you have to drink coffee, but purpose to set aside time (daily, if possible!) to enjoy each other as people, not limiting yourselves to “dad and mom” or “cook and cleaner” or even “manager and chauffeur.” You’re loving companions too, remember? So consider the kinds of things that friends do—talk, laugh, joke, reminisce, discuss—and then be sure to make space for that sweetness in your life.

If you haven’t already, start investing in a strong friendship together—the kind that can carry you through every season of your life.

In His grace,

Lisa Jacobson

*Adapted from Loving Your Husband Well: A 52-Week Marriage Devotional