Four Ways to Hit the Refresh Button On Your Marriage

When your marriage feels stuck in a rut, take a step back and do a little reassessing so you can do some refreshing.

How is your marriage doing?

Are you struggling, stuck, or bored? Restless or dissatisfied? 

If we are honest, we have all felt these emotions at different times. It’s normal. We are, after all, just two sinful people trying to become one. 

We know that marriage takes work and continual refreshing. But it’s easy to get lazy in marriage and begin to drift apart. We don’t want that to happen. Instead, we must determine to refresh our relationship continually.

I’ve realized several things over again that I need to do to refresh my marriage. Perhaps you can identify. 

1. Realize we have an enemy who is against our marriage.

It was a normal end-of-the-day conversation. John and I were curled up on the couch, talking and laughing. But suddenly, we found ourselves in an argument. Saying ugly things. What had been a pleasant chat had turned dark. It was unexpected, as if a shadow had fallen over us. 

My wise husband recognized what was happening. 

“Susan,” he exclaimed, “this is not us; it’s the enemy who is trying to mess with us, to turn us into arguing and blaming.”

Grabbing my hand, he prayed, “Dear Lord God, we ask for your help right now. Protect us from the power of evil that would pull us apart, cleanse this room from any darkness, and fill us with the light of Christ.” 

Peter says, “Be alert and of sober mind. Our enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist Him.” (1 Peter 5:8)

One of the enemy’s greatest tricks is his subtly. He sneaks up on us and we don’t even recognize him. Instead, we lash out at our spouse. Recognizing what is happening will enable us to battle the enemy rather than one another. 

We may have an enemy who attempts to mess with us. But we have a Father God who has much greater power and who is for our marriages.

2. Realize that I can be a “picky spouse.”

John has a habit of leaving cabinet doors and drawers open in the kitchen. It drives me crazy.

“Why can’t he shut this cabinet? He knows I don’t like everything left open! It feels so sloppy.”

As I began to grumble about my husband, I sensed God gently asking me, “Susan, does it really matter?”

In facing this question, I had to acknowledge that after 55 years of marriage to a good man, this really shouldn’t matter. It’s a little thing. I am just being picky. I can shut all those cabinets myself. Yes, there are other things that bug me, and I’m sure things I do or don’t do bug him. However, considering this question has helped me put our life into perspective. And I strive to choose laughter over frustration. 

3. Realize that no one person can meet all of your needs.

When we married, we may have thought, “We are perfect for each other. We won’t struggle like some people do.”

I remember speaking at a marriage conference, and a young, engaged couple came up to chat with me.

“Susan,” she exclaimed, “my fiancé and I agree on everything. Our marriage is going to be so good.”

“Really,” I responded, “where are you planning to spend this next holiday?”

“With my family,” she quickly replied. But then he jumped in, “No, it’s more important for us to be with mine.”

Often, we come into marriage expecting our mate to meet all our needs. However, no person can do that, and this expectation is dangerous. It will only disappoint. God alone can meet all our needs. Our first priority has to be growing in our relationship with Him.

In addition, we need one or two same-sex believing friends who will encourage us and hold us accountable for growing in our faith and our marriage. 

I was walking with one of my close friends and began to dump on her my frustrations with John. 

“He’s never at home. He doesn’t…”

She listened, empathized but then she asked me, “Susan, what are you doing to move closer to him?” 

With that, she got me. She cared about my relationship with the Lord and with my husband. 

4. Realize the importance of prayer.

I believe the most important thing in marriage and family is the role of forgiveness. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go to John or one of my kids and say, “I shouldn’t have said or done…will you forgive me?” I can’t remember any time I felt like doing this; I’d much rather say, “But if you had or hadn’t…” We go to one another out of obedience, not out of feeling. God has called us to ask for forgiveness and to grant it. 

We must pray for a family that experiences forgiveness, remembering how much He has forgiven us. 

It’s so easy to get lazy in our prayers, to even get bored with them and wonder if He hears. It helps to realize that He does hear and that He is working while we are waiting. 

To help me become disciplined in my prayer life, I have a prayer notebook with a different “themed prayer” for my family each day. Not only do I pray for my own marriage but for those of my children and grandchildren.

On Tuesdays, I concentrate on our marriages.

I have a gift for you. It’s a download with my prayers for our marriage. I hope that this informal prayer will minister to you and your marriage.

I want to recommend two other resources for your marriage. One is a short video on how to handle conflict in your marriage and the other is my dear friend Jodie Berndt’s book Praying the Scriptures for your Marriage.

Grab Susan’s free ebook, “Camp at Home,” right here. This valuable resource is based on her book Cousin Camp. It includes 100 things for you to do with your kids of different ages including toddlers, the middle years, teens, and specific things for the whole family. In addition, there are ideas for grandparents to use to stay connected with their grandkids.

Get yours here! →