When Divorce Is Necessary: Walking Through the Ending of a Marriage with God’s Help
It was a cold day in March of 2020 when I made a choice that would change my life.
Shortly after the abuse had started, I emailed a local counseling center to book a session.
That afternoon in March, I headed to a therapy session, dropping my girls off at my mom’s house on the way. I had been seeing my therapist, Heather, for a month now. I had done therapy before, but had never felt like it helped.
Determined to Make a Change
This time, I was determined that it would be different.
That day in March when I arrived and took a seat in the armchair, she looked at me and asked directly, “So, do you want me to ask you questions about your marriage, or do you think you can share on your own?”
Here we were. I knew why I was avoiding the topic.
I took a deep breath and began. I shared about my fear of his anger and how it had kept me silent all these years. My hands and voice shook as I told her about how he had been coming in at night when I was asleep and touching my body in ways I wasn’t comfortable with.
When I finished, only five minutes remained in my session. Heather leaned forward and looked me in the eye and said, “You need to go home and ask him to leave for a week. You aren’t sleeping, and you don’t feel safe. You need both of these so that you can at least think clearly.”
I nodded and knew she was right. It was time to live my life instead of simply existing in someone else’s.
I didn’t know earlier that morning that I would never again sleep in the same bed as or share the same home with my husband.
Abuse in Marriage
I experienced his anger early in our relationship in his interactions with others, and so I learned to stay quiet and tiptoe around anything that might create tension.
There were other plagues to our marriage, too, like pornography and excessive drinking. And then the conversation that shook my world happened, the one where I learned that for years, while we had been dating, he had harmed someone I knew and loved. And that’s when the last brick crumbled. I didn’t talk to anyone—not about the lies or the anger, the pornography or the drinking, or even the news that completely shattered my view of him.
Eventually, bearing the burden of our crumbling marriage in secret became too much to carry.
It’s Too Much to Carry
Abuse can manifest in many different ways within a marriage. In our culture, particularly in the church, we often say that physical abuse and cheating are acceptable reasons to get a divorce, but beyond that, we become judgmental about whether a person has a right to get a divorce or not. Emotional, psychological, spiritual, verbal, and sexual abuse are still relatively new topics of cultural conversation, and many people are learning how to identify manipulation and gaslighting. However, because marriage is the most intimate of relationships, any abuse that occurs between spouses is serious and can cause deep wounding.
Abuse isn’t the only reason for divorce, though. Repeated, unchanged behavior is also a reason. Ongoing cheating with one or more partners, gambling that puts you in financial stress, having an addiction to alcohol or other substances, or constant neglect of you and your family are serious issues that could be basis for divorce.
Empowered to Choose
The reality is that, as much as we all desire healing in damaged relationships, there are times when divorce is the best option.
When you come to the conclusion that divorce is necessary, recognizing that you have the agency to choose is the greatest power you hold, not only in marriage but in life. We are not helpless. Making a decision might seem impossible, but God is living and active and will faithfully guide you to make the right decision.
When I asked for a separation and eventually signed papers, I made the decision to go, to leave behind a marriage that was slowly killing me. I knew I couldn’t stay longer if I wanted to live. I can’t tell you what choice to make, but I can tell you that choosing divorce is courageous.
It takes courage to end something in order to allow for a new beginning. You don’t have to stay in a destructive relationship. You can step out, find healing, and explore new opportunities and experiences. Your path forward will look different from what you expected and what others expect of you, but you are brave to face the unknown.
Reflection:
If you’ve been struggling in your marriage, it might be time to talk with a friend, trusted family member, or counselor. Many marriage issues can be resolved, but some cannot. Getting outside advice on your situation can lend you much-needed perspective. Take a moment to pray as well, and listen for the Lord’s leading today.
If you liked this blog post, check out Courageous Divorce by Alisha Roth. We love how Alisha compassionately walks you through making the decision to leave, navigating the aftermath of divorce, and rebuilding a beautiful, abundant life after everything has changed
Alisha Roth has walked the road of divorce and remarriage and is a homeschooling mother to five daughters. She has been a contributor and editor for Wild + Free magazine, writing about parenting, education, and crafts, and has also contributed to Wild and Free Holidays, Wild and Free Nature, Homegrown,and Being Human magazine.