A Word to Wives (by Lisa Jacobson)
I’m something of a private person when it comes to the topic of sex.
And perhaps a bit old-fashioned as well.
But I’m not just one to discuss something like this so, well, publicly. Maybe save that conversation for a quiet cup of tea together.
Yet here we are. Talking about IT.
So why’s that? Because we can’t talk about a wonderful, rich marriage without it. Intimacy plays such a powerful role in marriage.
It’s how God designed us to be: two souls . . . two bodies becoming one. As close as a man and a woman can be. A beautiful thing.
Recognizing that this is a vast and sometimes complicated subject, here are a few things that I can offer to the wives.
Why Sex Matters
Sexual intercourse is a spiritual act.
Not merely physical. Once I came to realize this, then everything changed—the biggest revelation being that I could pray about this area in our relationship. And so I did.
I’ve asked God to give me a desire for my husband when I was going through a particularly difficult season in my life.
Prayed for insight when we found ourselves struggling in a way we never had before.
I’ve cried out for strength when I was tired – and healing for when our relationship was hurting.
God does not give us the gift of sex and then leave us to figure it out on our own. He has not left us all alone in this.
Sex is not optional.
It should not be avoided or neglected in marriage. And should never be used as a power-play in your relationship. Never.*
Of course, there are those extenuating circumstances such as illness or new babies (remember, I’ve given birth to 8 children!). Then there is also the challenge that comes with sin. Other than those things, however, Scripture tells us we’re not to keep away from each other.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (I Cor. 7:5)
Your sex life is worth investing in.
Pray about it. Ask God to protect this area for you both.
Make it a priority in your relationship which might mean you need to rest up and plan for it. And if you need help, then seek it out.
But whatever you do – don’t give up and don’t ignore it.
Love-making is a special gift from God to be treasured.
A Word to Husbands (by Matt Jacobson)
What guy wants to sit around talking about “intimacy”?
That’s just wrong. It’s not even a ‘guy’ word, is it? But bring up the word, and after the discomfort subsides, for most guys the auto-response is ‘Oh, you mean sex.’
But, she doesn’t mean ‘sex.’
Really, you’re joking, right honey?
She’s not joking.
She doesn’t mean ‘sex’ when she says she wants intimacy. But learn what she does mean, and the intimacy you enjoy with her will often involve making love.
So, what does she mean when she says the word ‘intimacy’? It’s pretty straightforward: She means EVERYTHING!
She never stopped desiring to be desired.
Do you like math? Think of it this way:
Sex = Everything
. . . everything that happened in her day, all her interaction with you, verbal and nonverbal, especially including how you indicated your love for her through thoughtful acts of kindness, gratitude, care, and romance and yes, sometimes including physical intimacy.
For her, sex is a giant yarn ball with everything in her day connected to the same string. The core issue is how close to you she is feeling based on all of the input she’s had from you throughout the day.
So how have you treated her from the moment you got out of bed today? Did you speak warmly to her? Have you done small things for her throughout the day that said, “I love you,” in a way she can hear? Did you express appreciation for something she did today? Are you acting in a way that says, “You are my priority. I love spending time with you.”?
These things go into her definition of intimacy. The natural result of the atmosphere you have created by making a habit of doing them is to come together physically. There are always exceptions, but wives loved in this way want to be physically intimate with their husbands. They desire to give.
We men are often too quick to neglect the very things that will result in our wives’ desire to be with us. But we don’t have to.
Here are 5 things you can do for better sex:
1) Before you leave the bedroom in the morning, tell her that you love her and will be thinking of her throughout the day.
2) Prove you are thinking of her by giving her a short phone call telling her you’re looking forward to being with her when you get home tonight.
3) Does she hold down the domestic front, or does she work outside the home as well? Either way (or both for many women) tell her how much you appreciate all she does.
4) Ask if there’s something around the home she would like for you to get done . . . and do it.
5) Would she enjoy being taken away for an evening out? Ask her earlier in the day for a date.
The more we communicate our genuine love and interest in our wives, and care for their emotional needs, the more they desire to give of themselves, and that is a vital part of a highly fulfilling marriage.
What the Bible Says About Better Sex with Your Spouse
Is your sex life in marriage what you thought it would be . . . what you had hoped? What, exactly, does the Bible say about sex in marriage? How often should a couple have sex? Is it okay if only one partner is satisfied? How does a husband or wife discover how to please their spouse?
I hope you can join Matt and me on the FAITHFUL LIFE podcast today where we’re talking about the important topic of sex in your marriage. We’re sharing openly and honestly on how a Christian couple can enjoy a rich and satisfying physical relationship from a biblical perspective. We think you’ll find this conversation both encouraging and helpful!
Matt and Lisa Jacobson
Matt and Lisa Jacobson, authors of 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and 100 Ways to Love Your Wife, are the hosts of a weekly podcast to talk about what it means to be a biblical Christian in marriage, parenting, church, and culture. Matt and Lisa offer deep encouragement, along with practical steps and true-life stories, as we grow in walking the faithful life together.
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*If you are living in a situation in which you are experiencing abuse (whether physical, sexual, verbal, or psychological), we urge you to seek out help from trusted authorities, trusted church leaders, family members or close friends. If you feel that your life or that of your children is in danger, please seek out refuge somewhere safe. You can find more information and support here: Making a Safety Plan.