Stress can have a large impact on our children though we may not recognize it.
She graduated summa cum laude, but before the day we applauded her achievements there were approximately 36 months of fatigue and perseverance and anxiety that preceded them.
She would come home exhausted, grab a snack, and head straight up to her room. For three or four hours she would labor meticulously over homework. We would have to make her come downstairs to eat dinner.
And since she was a girl, there were lots of tears to go with those hard days of work.
We had a large ottoman in the living room at the time, and when things got bad she would stand at the end of it and do a full face plant on top of it, with arms flung out to the side in total exhaustion and despair.
We found that adorable.
Here’s what I learned as a mom –you can’t do the work for your kid. Of course, for me that partly included my lack of intelligence and the fact that I had not been able to help her with schoolwork since about third grade.
Our kids have to go through their hard times of struggle and labor, and we need to let them do this.
But we can come alongside them, kind of like a chase vehicle in a bike race. So here are some things I did to encourage my children through their hard days…
Five Ways To Encourage Your Stressed Child
- Quietly open the door, without saying anything, and put a plate full of hot chocolate chip cookies on the desk next to her. Don’t forget the milk. (Really, this is all it takes to receive mother-of-the-year award.)
- If possible, make her comfortable where she is. I used to heat the rice bag for my daughter and go lay it on her shoulders while she was doing homework. (We live in cold Montana, so this was comforting.)
- You know all those chores you hound her to do? Take over some of those for the day.
- Praise her work ethic. I would say something like, I always hoped you would grow up to be a hard worker, and now you’re doing it. Not many young people have a good work ethic these days, so I’m proud that you do. An employer is going to really appreciate that quality in you someday.
- Assure your child you love her separately from her achievement. I remember sitting in the car with my daughter one day, and she was teary because she thought she might get a low grade in a class (which for her meant a B. The horror.) I said, You know, your dad and I love you so much. Even if you get a B or a C or flunk, we still love you. It’s okay.
We all must go through hard times, but when we follow Jesus He comes close to us and gives us all the resources and strength we need to plug away toward our own completion and maturity.
As we allow our children to work and struggle, while we come alongside them with encouragement and comfort, we are mirroring this work that God is doing in our lives through Jesus.
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Blameless: Now available
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Christy Fitzwater
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Thank you for sharing this article. I have a struggling middle schooler and sometimes I just don’t know what to do for him. These tips are helpful when words don’t work and I need to just love him through the challenges and stress.
How lucky your daughter is to have a mom like you! I graduated summa cum laude like your daughter and lived the anxiety as well: http://www.campuscalm.com/summa_cum_laude.html Your tips 4 and 5 are my favorite <3
I can really relate to this article. I am mom to two high achieving children as well, my daughter who is a sophomore in college, and my son who is a senior. My they do get so stressed, and my daughter has even cried as your’s about the prospect of a B. I love your suggestions, the hot plate of cookies and rice pack sound like wonderful ideas that I will definitely put in place. Great post! 🙂
Overall great info, however, I have found it was best to show my overachieving daughter that pushing herself at achievement is not always healthy. She is now a senior in high school with a 4.25 GPA from the 5 AP college classes she has taken while playing 2 sports (captain, of course), working, and being actively involved with church and volunteering. What I noticed is that, of course she could do it … She is driven to a spirit of excellence by nature, but as a mom and someone built the same, I encouraged her very strongly to cut back. The stress levels and lack of sleep was not worth her health and sending her into adrenal fatigue. I have been there, not good. Sure, she could do it, but I wanted her to know she was “ok” and loved by us and she needed to cut herself some slack and learn that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. She is has dropped 2 AP courses this senior year and now has all advanced college prep/honors courses instead … She is straight A+ without the stress and she is a wonderfully happy and carefree child now. I add this only to give a thoughtful perspective … as parents we are to encourage, but also keep our kids healthy and safe in the process. Stay prayerful … the Holy Spirit is faithful to show us what each of our children need from us to grow into their best self for His outposts 🙂
This is a great post! I think #5 is extremely important, but #1 is great, too! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, Christy.
Number 5 is so important! I know I needed to hear that a lot as a teen! Sharing on my blog’s FB page!
Yes, it is! And thank you for sharing, Julie.
These are such great encouragers-especially the cookies and chores one. Hanging onto this list.
This is good. Equally applies to a stressed out husband or three year old who is also working and struggling with learning lots of things and coming out of toddlerhood. I liked your note about coming alongside with encouragement and comfort. That is hard for me to do but really affirming for the people I love and might even help them see that they do not labour in vain and will produce great results!
You are so right! Chocolate chip cookies work just as well with husbands. 🙂
Thanks Christie. It’s nice to come alongside somebody and show them you care by offering them a basic need such as food, a, smile and a hug and silence.
What a timely post this was for me. Isn’t it great that God knows what encouragement we need and when. I have eight children, five of whom are young adults, with two in college presently. I seem to ALWAYS have children under stress. It is very hard on my mommy’s heart. I so often feel helpless to ease their stress. I do pray for them and tell my children how proud I am of them. And I do a LOT of trusting the Lord to take care of them. I also pray that the stress brings them closer to the Lord, and not away from Him. But the world today is such a difficult place for our kids to grow up in. Thanks for your encouraging thoughts this morning.
I’m so glad you were encouraged. I love your prayer that the stress will bring our kids closer to the Lord -I’m going to borrow that from you. 🙂