I thought he was going to have to pull over.
“Silver?” he shouted. “This will be our silver wedding anniversary?”
“I know, right?” I said. “Remember how old our parents were when they celebrated their 25th anniversaries? We’re not that old, are we?”
Two people in complete denial of aging.
But it is true. We celebrate 25 years on June 1st, and we both agree it has been a good 25 years. We went out for dinner last night, and we laughed together all evening. It’s a marriage that gets better with time.
“How did you get to the happily-ever-after of 25 years?” you might ask.
Yesterday I went to get the mail, and then I walked back in the house and closed the door. I started to walk to the kitchen, but then I stopped, turned, and gave the door one more good shove.
Click.
That’s the secret to 25 years. Did you hear that click? When you close our front door, it doesn’t latch all the way unless you give it an extra shove. It drives Matt crazy if he finds the door unlatched. “Give it a push,” he always says.
The secret to 25 years is in seeing to the details.
Early on in a marriage, the details drive you NUTS. Like when Matt would hang the towel up with the tag showing. Come on. Or for him, it was when I would go to the bathroom and not close the door all the way (this guy has a thing about closed doors, I can tell ya.)
But somewhere along the way the details changed from an irritant to an opportunity. It was the sign of a deep growth of the heart, from selfishness to service.
Several months ago, I just happened to be there when Matt reached down in the shower and pulled out a mouse (i.e., his wife’s hairball. TMI?) He threw it in the garbage and said nothing.
“Gross!” I said.
“I’ve been throwing away your hairballs for years,” he said. (Talk about an irritating detail, and he had never said a word.)
Well, from that day on I started making sure I took care of that little thing – because I love him.
I click the front door shut – because I love him.
For years, it made me crazy that he didn’t make the bed, especially since he was the last one out of it, and my momma raised me to believe making the bed was paramount to good housekeeping. Well, one day a few years ago, Matt started making the bed as a way to show his love for me. It’s a small detail, but it means so much to me.
Recently I told Matt (who is not a morning person) to text me in the morning when he was awake and ready for coffee, and I would bring it to him in bed. It’s a small task and only takes me a few minutes, but it makes him really happy.
Purposeful serving pushes out our innate selfishness, and it is often this attention to minutiae that can improve a marriage relationship quickly.
*What is one detail in your marriage that you do or fail to do that you know annoys your husband? How can you flip it, to make it a beautiful act of loving service?
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Blameless: Now available
We’re so excited to announce the new release of Christy Fitzwater’s book, Blameless: Living A Life Free From Guilt and Shame with Foreword by Lisa Jacobson of Club31Women!
I’ve read hundreds of books in my life, many of them very good. But few have made me laugh so much, given me so much hope, and made me so eager to share its pages with my friends. ~ Elisabeth
Blameless is now available in both print and digital form (click links below):
Christy Fitzwater
Latest posts by Christy Fitzwater (see all)
- Helping Your Husband Care for His Mom – April 1, 2018
- Raise Your Kids According to Their Natural Bent – February 4, 2018
- When Better Turns to Worse: A Note for Moms on Helping Your Married Daughters Persevere – January 7, 2018
- Improve Your Marriage by Tweaking Your Holiday Traditions – December 10, 2017
- Your Small Life Meets God’s Big Work – November 12, 2017
Christy- sorry to be pulling this up from the archives, but what’s a wife to do when she feels like all day, every day is spent making sure to tick the boxes of what wouldn’t annoy him? Granted, it’s a hard season (grad school and ministry, baby & toddler, far from family), and he’s a godly man. But I feel like all I do is make sure I shut that door (the dishwasher) because it’s what he likes.
What do I do when I’m no longer sure if it’s out of love, or just obligation and the desire to not fight again? Is that enough?
Fantastic Article!
On weekdays I get up two hours earlier than I would otherwise have to in order to put together my hubby’s lunch (prepared during daytime hours), make him a hot egg sandwich (because he otherwise will not bother to start his day with breakfast, much less protein) and prepare his thermos full of coffee (because he won’t bother at 4 am and it’ll cost our budget by him otherwise buying individual cups throughout his long work day). Sometimes I get it all done in time to catch an extra hour of sleep, but if he feels chatty in the morning that is not always the case. But these are things I’ve chosen to do for him for our nearly 15 years of marriage. They are the things he most often mentions to other people whenever “wives” become the topic of conversation. As far as I can tell he barely notices the sacrifice but I know it means a lot to him because those details are what he shares with everyone else.
Thank you a million for this inside look at your marriage. This is not what young women imagine when they first get married, but this is the secret. Looooove it!
Congratulations on your Silver! We will celebrate our 33rd this spring — we dated for 8 months then eloped… then a few years later almost ended “us”… but for God. We’ve learned over the years that we are one in God’s design of marriage… keeping God as our Center and each of us as #2. We look forward to many more years that the Lord has in store for us. I encourage anyone who may have challenges in their marriage, to talk with someone who has gone through hard times but now has experienced God’s beautiful gift of redemption in their own marriage. Thank you for your encouragement …. and prayers for many more wonderful years to you & your husband!
This an excellent article, very real, much love and happiness. Thank you for sharing your heart God Bless you both and I pray for you to have many more years of happiness.
Awe! Happy “early” 25th anniversary!! This was such a cute post! Josh brings me a tray with my breakfast on it every single week day at 6am. I eat the same thing every morning and every evening, he sets out a plate with a little ramekin for my yogurt and sliced apples. Sets out a glass for my oj and a mug for my coffee with a folded napkin and spoon. Most mornings he has to wake me up gently nudging me with the tray in his hands. Other mornings, I can hear him downstairs slicing my apple on the cutting board. <3 I clean out his coffee pot for him every day. It's that extra step that means a lot to him because coffee is important to him and just having the pot and filter cleaned out makes his bedtime routine easier. When I forget, I always feel so bad, but he never makes a big deal out of it. 🙂 This August will be 13 years for us. I'm happy to report that we still feel like newlyweds. Just maybe a bit more tired. 😉
This. 😍 I always feel like the wife is told to serve, serve, serve. Be a blessing, sacrifice. And deep in my heart I KNOW it’s about giving, not getting. But when he never…or rarely…tries to do anything to please me, it makes service so much harder. I feel like I am a doormat. Something he doesn’t even recognize.
Obviously, I need help.
Congratulations on your
upcoming anniversary! 25 years is such a milestone! (And frankly, a rare thing these days!) We are constantly bombarded with news of failed marriages, so it is so nice to hear news of a successful and loving marriage! I adore the raw honesty of your posts. It is SO refreshing! Thank you for being so transparent! {Hugs}
P.S.-it’s starting to get hot here. Will be close to 90 later this week. 😫 I’m so jealous of you being up there in fabulous Montana, while I just sweat here…😆
Well, it’s supposed to be 79 here today, if that makes you feel any better. Thanks for the hugs! 🙂
I will be married 34 years in September. Happily? On and off. But no where in my marriage vows was happy mentioned. I also click my door, but it is clicked shut to the option of leaving. I do my best to take care of him and try hard,to accept he doesn’t see a need to take care of me.
The greatest challenge of all -to care about the details in loving your husband, even if that consideration is not returned. I’m sorry that your experience has been painful. Thank you for sharing with us your decision to “click shut the door to the option of leaving.” I imagine you will encourage many women who are reading this. I pray God will strengthen your heart.
A lightbulb went off while reading this. Details in a marriage are important. I have recently discovered this. How true that the details of a marriage annoy us at first. But, then those details you just see them as “something your partner does”. Thanks for this.
Hurray for light bulbs. 🙂
First off, congrats on 25 years!! We will hit 21 years this September and your post is a great way of explaining how we all make it this far.
How do I irritate him?? Well, I’ll share one thing that I’ve managed to finally change and leave it at that for today. [grin]
My husband used to get upset about the top of the dryer being dirty — spilled laundry soap from the dispensing cup, lint from dryer sheets. I never understood and couldn’t believe of all things he would get frustrated about that. Then I realized that is the first thing he sees when he comes home from work since he walks through the laundry room to get in the house.
I still don’t totally get it, because no one else will see it, but I make an effort to keep the machines wiped down. And it makes him happy. 🙂
That’s a great story. What amazes me is that we so often choose to squabble about it instead of making the simple change.