The Power of Environment and the Heart of the Child

Learn how ordering the environment can nurture the heart of the child, bringing peace, healing, and rhythm to your home and family life.

Many of us have that child, the one who screams and cries and doesn’t care that they’re in a store or at church or around a million random people who are judging you and think you’re the worst mom on the planet. 

One day, one of my children started screaming and wouldn’t stop. It became a daily occurrence. They had trouble communicating, they screamed and cried, they’d respond to things they didn’t like with insults and occasionally something violent. 

Order the Environment

I was in the middle of this when I read words that my friend had written, “Instead of trying to order the child, order the environment.” 

She told me, “Your child is who they are. Things are going to be okay. Sometimes they just have to work through things inside of them. The best way to help them is to love them, hold space for them, and create an environment of rhythm and comfort where they can thrive. Leave their response to the environment up to them. Just make sure the environment is there.”

The first night I took my friend’s advice, I set the table and lit candles. I told everyone it was dinner time. My family came, and this particular child told me they were busy. Instead of picking them up and carrying them, screaming, to the table as I once did, I told them food was ready, and then I sat down to eat. We ate without this child, and they ate alone while finishing their activity.

The next day, I went to wake everyone up. As usual, this child refused to get out of bed. Instead of forcing them like I used to, I left them there and set the table. The rest of the kids and I ate breakfast together and did our morning basket- Bible reading, books, singing hymns and folk songs. This child stumbled into the dining room in their pajamas while we were reading The Hobbit, sat down, grabbed a waffle, and listened. 

When the rest of us cleaned up together, this child sat at the table. When we went outside, this child got dressed. As we started our homeschool lessons, this child went outside. Day in and day out. 

A Well-Ordered Environment Leads to Healing

One morning, after a couple of weeks of this, I woke them, and they sat up. They came to the dining room dressed and asked if they could light the candles. They ate breakfast and sat through morning basket from beginning to end. They cleared and rinsed their dish. They went outside for fresh air before school with the rest of us and came in when it was time to begin. They did their schoolwork without crying and played with siblings in the afternoon. That night, they came to the table for dinner, ate with us, smiled, and laughed. They listened to a story and went to bed.

I was beyond happy, but I wasn’t sure if it would ever happen again. Until the next morning when it did. Slowly, this child embraced the environment of our home. I ordered the environment, and then in the child’s own time, they ordered themself. Not every day was perfect. Some days they went backwards- some days I went backwards and was like, guys, I’m just reading in my pjs today, do your own thing. But, for the most part, they moved right along with us, growing, living, healing, thriving.  

Tips for Ordering the Environment

1. Create Your Rhythm
   When you have a basic flow to your days, children know what to expect and feel a sense of security, which is something they all need for proper growth and development. A daily rhythm gives challenging kiddos something to hold on to, somewhere that they can jump into family life when they decide they’re ready. 
   
   This rhythm doesn’t need to be strict; it’s just a basic framework for your days. Things can come up, some days you may have something else to do, but overall, your rhythm keeps your family grounded and moving forward, always “doing the next thing.” Determine the way your time together should flow and include a handful of connection points to make the most of when you are all at home.
   
2. Be Patient and Trust
   Waiting for your child to accept your invitation and join the family can be excruciating. We love our children, and it breaks our hearts to see them separate themselves. It must be just a taste of how God aches when we ignore His invitation and continuously choose our way. Yet, consider His leading. He doesn’t push, He doesn’t punish, He doesn’t force. He is just there, offering us an open invitation to be with Him.  This is how we wait for our struggling children. 
   
   Order your environment, invite your child to join, love them, enjoy them, don’t guilt or shame them, and advocate on their behalf at the feet of the Savior. Just keep on. A well-ordered environment, holding space, and trusting God work wonders for the weary soul.

Reflection:

In what ways can you order your home this week instead of trying to order your child?

If you liked this post, check out the book Words Like Honey by Amy Hughes. In Words Like Honey, a sought-after speaker and writer explores specific words and phrases we commonly use when talking to our kids and considers the negative impact they may have, while recommending alternative phrases to nourish your children instead.

Amy Hughes is wife to her hero and a mama to nine. She is the author of Words Like Honey, a writer for Wild + Free, a speaker, and a parenting/homeschool coach. Amy lives a cozy life nestled in the hills near the Pacific Ocean, where she reads way too many books, drinks way too much chai, and homeschools her still-at-home children. Connect with her online at SimpleLittleAmy.com.